Believers & Feelers

I often find myself in situations where I may feel the Lord stoking the embers of my heart to do certain things that I would rather not do. Many reasons come into play here - fear, passivity, doubt, preference, convenience, logical inability, etc. the list can get lengthy. I then frequent a prayer along the lines of, "Lord, if this is Your will, then give me the ______________ (strength, courage, ability, etc.), as well as a great enough desire that it will be fulfilled." I treat these occurring dull aches as obligatory tasks that should be completed so I can pride myself in moral obedience, rather than as a beautiful opportunity to partner with the Lord as He tenderizes my heart to feel & desire what He feels & desires. These aches are direct answers to the prayer I often find myself praying - "Continue to sensitize my heart to love what You love & hate what You hate." Yet I hadn't been seeing these aches as an answer because I assumed the answer would result in feelings & emotions that would spur me on to act out of the desire to fulfill my own passions, rather than selfless obedience to fulfill His. I didn't consider my first prayer to be anything other than a request to connect with the Lord's heart & be awakened to the reality of who I am in Him. Then, all too often, I would pass up the opportunities I prayed about & the invitations to partner with the Lord's heart by excusing myself for not "feeling" the Him or "feeling" His desire as my own. I recently read a quote from Bill Johnson where he reveals,

"If I only do what I feel like doing, I'm not a believer. I'm a feeler."

The Lord then showed me that my 'requests' to Him were not simply requests, but conditions. I was giving Him pre-requisites that needed to be met before I would be willing to do what He asked of me. I realized that this wasn't love at all, but selfish servanthood that was conditionally based. Authentic love works for the benefit of the other, despite one's own personal interest or gain. It was as if I were asking the Lord, "Make me want to do what you are asking me to do." In that way, I would really be doing it all for myself since the only thing that would have changed is my own feelings & emotions.. I then thought about Jesus' prayer in the book of Luke when He says, "Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done." And willingly, Jesus went to the cross, undergoing every bit of undeserved, yet agonizing pain, humiliation, & degradation. He was not delivered from any of it, but endured it in fullness for the sake of love. For the sake of love that knew it would not be returned in the degree it deserved , if even at all. I also thought of Ruth, & how she sacrificed her own future for her mother-in-law, Naomi. And I thought of Hosea, a God-fearing, God-loving man who was called to marry Gomer the prostitute, & love her as The Lord loved Israel. I continued to meditate on what real, Biblical love looks like. And here was I, struggling to go through with selfless acts of serving, giving, or volunteering in any way that is just a little bit more than what is comfortable or predictable. I couldn't see what was in it for me in these circumstances. Something was very off balance.. I repented for requiring the desires of my flesh to be met before going where He leads me & speaking what He gives me. I repented for valuing feelings & emotions over the quiet requests of His heart. And now, my desire is for Him to come & fill me with even more revelation of His agape love, & how to live it out in selfless obedience.

I am thankful for the Lord showing me the attitude of my heart. And I am thankful for His desire to come & do a changing work in partnership with me, because when your paradigm of love changes, everything changes..

~Selah~